I came across a car ad on Facebook marketplace this morning with the description, “Needs engine. Everything else works as it should.”

OOOOKAAAYYY…

Sure, no problem. I’ll be glad to snap up a car with no engine. I mean, that’s only a teensie-weensie little problem, right?

Imagine the stereotypical used car salesman, dressed in his finest polyester leisure suit (Google it, Millennials) and fat stubby tie that won’t hit beyond his bulging midsection. His cowboy boots are shined so brightly you can see the glare of his comb-over in them.

car dealer

Used Car Salesman:  Whatcha lookin’ for, my friend?

Nervous Customer: Uh, well, something cheap.

UCS: (laughing too loudly) Well, now, cheap ain’t gonna cut it. But I got AFFORDABLE… how ’bout this here 2015 deluxe model for only 700?

NC: Wow, uh, really, all that for 700 bucks?

UCS: (laughing even louder, about a 7.9 on the Richter scale) That’s the, uh, monthly investment.

NC: How many months?

UCS: (twists nervously at oversized mustache) Well, now, just uh, 72.

NC: 72? How many years is that?

UCS: Uh, ya know, uh, let’s see… (fumbles for pocket calculator).

NC: Nevermind. I only got $700.

UCS: For a down?

NC: A what?

UCS: Nevermind. You need to come over to our… back lot.

NC: back lot?

UCS: Follow me, kiddo.

Our friendly Used Car Salesman stomps off, cowboy boots clicking on the asphalt, leaving our Nervous Customer in the wake of his Aqua Velva (Google it, youngsters…)

IN THE BACK LOT…

Any passerby can now see a flashy dude waving his arms and gesturing wildly at car after car, dragging his prey behind him, until he gets to the “last car”…

A tired looking but stable early 2000s model four door sits at the end of the line. Numerous numbers on the windshield have been rubbed off.

NC: How much for this one?

UCS: Oh, now, well, ya know, just so happens to be … how much did you say you had again?

NC & UCS: (in unison) 700 bucks.

UCS: You’re in luck, kiddo. This little jewel is exactly $700, including taxes and fees.

There’s no engine, but EVERYTHING else on it works fine!

NC: No engine?

UCS: The windshield wipers, air conditioner, heater, door locks, seats, headlights… everything. Works fine, just fine, yes indeedy!

NC: Uh…

UCS: Kick them tires. Not a bit of dry rot. No indeedy!

NC: No engine?

UCS: Looky here, this thing is a bargain. It’s got 99 percent of what it needs. Everything but the engine. Whaddaya say now?

Well, that’s my story. I can’t make this stuff up. (The ad, that is. I can make up everything else, yuck yuck, hardy har har…)

car dealercar dealer

 

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